The Road to Adventure
Arthur Bayfalls viewed the mountain enveloped in black cloud in the distance. His mail hauberk rattled as he marched along the dirt road.“We’ll rest here.” He sat on a moss-covered rock and watched his family catch up with him. His wife, Jane, sat next to him and pulled a map from her satchel.
“We’ll be at the village of Allwood before sunset,” She said, “Then it’s another two days before we reach the mountain.”
“Looks like a cheery place,” His son Johnny walked a gold piece across his hand.
“It’s called The Forbidden Mountain, smart arse,” Arthur glared at him, “Were you expecting sunshine and rainbows?”
“Dad, tons of places have ‘Forbidden Mountains’ or ‘Forbidden Castles’ or ‘Forbidden Golf Courses’. They just do it to attract adventurers. There’s probably a gift shop at the summit. Why’d you have to drag me out of bed for this ‘heroic quest’ bullshit?”
Jane drove her staff into Johnny’s foot.
“Because I’ve been tasked by Wardale’s council to hunt down the Warlock who inhabits the dungeon beneath the mountain, and your father thought it would be a good way to spend time together as a family.” She said, “And don’t think I don’t know what you get up to when you ‘work nights’. We only allow it because your skills are of use in places such as this.”
“Alright,” Johnny winced as Jane twisted the staff, “But I won’t be of any use if I’m hopping.”
Johnny’s younger sister Alyn stepped forward.
“This is the first dungeon crawl we’ve been on in a while,” she said, “And it’s the school holidays, so it’s nice to get out and about.”
“Yeah,” Johnny said, “And since dad was caught brawling before dusk again, he was booted out of town.”
Arthur stamped on the ground.
“If you’ve finished quarrelling, we’ve got a quest to go on.” He said, “Yes, I’m only here because the council wanted me out of town for a little bit. But we can all get stuff out of it.”
He pointed at Jane.
“Darling, you’ve got a good head for riddles, and you can work your magic in these places. And taking down warlocks always sits well with your council of pointy hats.”
“The Wizard Council.” Jane said.
“Whatever,” Arthur pointed to Johnny, “What better man than Johnny Lightfingers to disable traps and open locked doors? And maybe there’ll be treasure. There usually is.”
“Which you’ll be asking for to pay your fine.” Johnny folded his arms.
“We’ll see…” Arthur pointed at Alyn, “And we’d be dead without your Thoughts and Prayers to heal our wounds. What do your gods say about people who sell their souls?”
“Nosenra says they can become a danger to the rest of us.” Alyn raised her crossed fingers, “But killing them is a last resort.”
“There is isn’t a first resort.”
“Your father’s right,” Jane said, “We all stand to gain from this quest. And it’s been a while since any of us have had a family holiday.”
Arthur drew his sword and held it aloft.
“Then let’s find this Warlock and kick his stinking magic buttocks!”
Allwood
The sun set as Arthur led the family into Allwood. He saw a mix of stone cottages with thatched roofs and timber buildings with wattle and daub walls. The smell of manure greeted him as local villagers walked past on their daily business. The first two-storey building in sight had a hanging sign depicting a muscular unicorn, captioned The Herculean Unicorn.“Jane, what’s that word before the unicorn?” Arthur pointed at the sign.
“Herculean,” She said, “It means ‘strong’.”
“Why?” Johnny scratched his head, “Who came up with that?”
“They must have been someone from another dimension’s mythos.” Jane said, “I mean, we fight monsters from other mythologies, why not give the heroes a mention?”
*
“This must be an adventuring town,” Johnny said, “Your…quest may not as grand as you think.”
Arthur ignored his son’s remark, and approached the bar. A portly figure with a black beard stood in wait. A badge on his tunic said “I am Error.”
“Error?” Arthur raised his brow.
“It’s pronounced ‘E-roar’ actually,” The innkeeper said, “Welcome to Allwood. Judging by your attire, you must be adventurers. Have you travelled far?”
“From Wardale,” Arthur held up a purse, “We’re going after the Warlock tomorrow.”
The conversations fell silent. Arthur rested his hand on his sword as he felt everyone looking in his direction.
“I suppose someone’s going to tell us to stay away from the mountain,” Johnny said.
The entire inn erupted in a fit of laughter.
“I’m sorry to burst your bubble,” Error said, “But there is no Warlock inhabiting the Forbidden Mountain. The Reeve just made up that story to try and save the village economy. But if you do wish to travel there, they do have a lovely gift shop.”
“Called it!” Johnny clapped.
Arthur gaped at the innkeeper.
“So, there’s no treasure?” He said.
“Oh, there is treasure.” The innkeeper opened his tunic. Beneath it he wore a white t-shirt.
“I found the Treasure of The Forbidden Mountain.” Jane read the shirt’s slogan.
“That one was complementary for the shopkeepers.” Error knocked on the counter. The other patrons stood up and revealed their shirts, which bore the same slogan.
Arthur hunched on the bar.
“What’s the strongest ale you’ve got?” He said, “I’ll need more than Hell in a Handcart.”
“There’s Bubonic Damnation.” Error said, prompting a collective gasp from the patrons.
“Arthur, no!” Jane grabbed his shoulder, “Sorry, he was temporarily banished from our hometown for brawling before dusk. What other ales do you serve?”
“There’s Jolly Warlock,” Error pointed to a cask behind him, “That’s a local brew.”
“We’ll have three pints of that,” Jane said.
“And a glass of milk, please.” Alyn raised her hand.
*
Arthur hunched on the table and stared at the bottom of his tankard.
“You shouldn’t feel sad, father.” Alyn patted his shoulder, “It’s nice to get out and about, and anywhere outside Wardale is an adventure. I’m sure there are other evils we need to protect people from in the name of Nosenra.”
“Polish your halo,” Johnny leaned back and sipped his pint, “The call of adventure is like a stew; you prepare it, and then you go to the tavern while you let it simmer.”
“Or you burn the place down with a drunken fry-up,” Jane glared at him.
“You’re never going to let that go, are you?” Johnny looked away from his mother. He smiled as a barmaid arrived with a platter of bread and cheese.
“More ale!” Arthur raised his tankard, “A man could die of thirst in this place.”
“Manners, father.” Alyn pointed her mace at him, “Don’t make me smite you.”
“Another ale, please.” Arthur said to the barmaid.
“Same again?” The barmaid took his tankard, “Or do you want something stronger? It’s almost nightfall.”
“Then it’s almost my bedtime,” Alyn stood up.
“Johnny, take your sister up to the rooms.” Jane said.
“Fine,” Johnny stood up, “Something tells me you’ll need Thoughts and Prayers before the morning.”
Arthur watched his son and daughter go upstairs. He noticed Error duck behind the bar and pull a long cord. A bell chimed. Arthur rubbed his hands.
“Hear that, darling?” He downed his pint in one gulp, “They’ve just rang us in.”
“Oh no…” Jane massaged her temples.
“That’s right!” Arthur picked up his stool, “Tavern brawl!”
A cheer rose from the other patrons. Stools scraped and battle cries drowned out the music. The bards on the stage began playing with a faster tempo.
Arthur smashed the stool into a warrior who advanced on him.
“Care to join the fun?” He turned to Jane.
“Ferrum Deflectere!” Jane gestured and tapped her staff against the floor. A flying tankard curved around her.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Arthur clotheslined a charging elf, “Good night dear.”
He watched her shove and weave through the crowd and run upstairs. Another fighter charged after her. His battle cry came to a higher pitched crescendo and sudden stop before he tumbled back down.
“Oi! That’s my wife!” Arthur charged through the melee and grabbed the man before he reached the bottom of the stairs. He threw him into the people he’d charged through. They cleared the way for a shirtless figure, who cracked his knuckles.
Arthur charged again. The man grabbed his arm and swung him around. Arthur yelled as he crashed into a table.
“What just happened?” Arthur spat out broken teeth
“The aggressor’s down!” He heard Error’s voice above the ringing in his ears, “He gets the bill!”
Andrew Roberts, 2018
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